Cramer got the juice
Jeff Cramer
Issue date: 10/13/04 Section: Advice
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Before I begin my advice, I would like to take a moment to remember two of my all-time favorite entertainers, Rodney Dangerfield and Christopher Reeves - may you be remembered with the respect you deserve. A moment of silence will be taken tonight at 8:00 p.m., so be sure not to talk. Also, if you are a fan of either, you can show your support by wearing clothes all next week. I anticipate seeing many of you supporting this worthy cause. Now, on to more upbeat conversation.
My first question is from a beautiful singer, Kassie Coltrin. She is a sophomore in radio broadcasting and wants to go on a date with me. She said something about a boyfriend or when I am the last man on earth, but that just means I have to wait and become immortal. She asks, "Does Santa Clause really exist?" You are freaking right he exists, you questioner of commercial profit.
The true question is how do you prove that a 300-pound fat man brings presents to good Christians who are not sinful Calvinists. Lucky for you, I just so happen to retain some valuable information that I received from my parents and Christmas television programmers. The way to prove Santa exists is to look at the philosophy of the situation. Last semester I received a grade in philosophy for knowing some things, and I remember how to prove something that seems so unbelievable people say faith is the only way to believe in it. Faith is not the only way, and it is not the best explanation.
You see, Kassie, there was once a man named Pascal, and he was not a fish. He said that it is better to believe in something if the outcome is better than the outcome of not believing in it. He used God as an example. If God exists and you believe or live correctly, you can get an eternity of paradise. If you do not believe, it is eternal damnation. If he does not exist, you still led a pretty good life. It is like being a wrestler; the goal outweighs the fight, even if you do not make it. Now, I do not know about you, but I know that Whoopi Goldberg would not be too happy if I did not believe that Tim Allen was going to bring me presents, especially when he had to go through all that trouble to find me a girlfriend for Christmas. Hint for Santa: that is what I want. I swear to Buddha - if I get one more toaster oven, I will cry myself to another bar and drink all the leftover eggnog under a cloud of melancholy.
My first question is from a beautiful singer, Kassie Coltrin. She is a sophomore in radio broadcasting and wants to go on a date with me. She said something about a boyfriend or when I am the last man on earth, but that just means I have to wait and become immortal. She asks, "Does Santa Clause really exist?" You are freaking right he exists, you questioner of commercial profit.
The true question is how do you prove that a 300-pound fat man brings presents to good Christians who are not sinful Calvinists. Lucky for you, I just so happen to retain some valuable information that I received from my parents and Christmas television programmers. The way to prove Santa exists is to look at the philosophy of the situation. Last semester I received a grade in philosophy for knowing some things, and I remember how to prove something that seems so unbelievable people say faith is the only way to believe in it. Faith is not the only way, and it is not the best explanation.
You see, Kassie, there was once a man named Pascal, and he was not a fish. He said that it is better to believe in something if the outcome is better than the outcome of not believing in it. He used God as an example. If God exists and you believe or live correctly, you can get an eternity of paradise. If you do not believe, it is eternal damnation. If he does not exist, you still led a pretty good life. It is like being a wrestler; the goal outweighs the fight, even if you do not make it. Now, I do not know about you, but I know that Whoopi Goldberg would not be too happy if I did not believe that Tim Allen was going to bring me presents, especially when he had to go through all that trouble to find me a girlfriend for Christmas. Hint for Santa: that is what I want. I swear to Buddha - if I get one more toaster oven, I will cry myself to another bar and drink all the leftover eggnog under a cloud of melancholy.
