Bandit: Don't make me tell you twice
Fashion faux pas of two-bit whore for your reading enjoyment
The Bitchy Gay Bandit
Issue date: 3/16/05 Section: Advice
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You guys are obviously still confused, and I sympathize. One of my best friends is a moron. Here are a few more suggestions to keep you from looking like such a two bit whore. If you follow my advice, you'll look more like...a four bit whore.
Brooches: Ladies, this trend came back in irony. If you're wearing the brooch with a twinset, you're telling the world how much you can't wait to be 40.
Eggplant hair- Turns out skanks love this almost as much as they love their chipped blue nail polish.
Tanorexia- Tanning too much gives you "oompa loompa face," which I'm sure is some kind of fetish, but if that's not your goal, maybe you should cut back.
Kool-Aid Burst purses- "I wish there was some way to combine my love of Kool-Aid and my need to carry tampons."
Dragon Shirts- You know what I'm talking about. Short sleeved. They used to sell them at Gadzooks. They have some sort of dragon on them. What would be quicker is if you guys just made shirts that said "I'm never getting laid, but I ROCK at D&D."
Shoe Leakage - The shoe doesn't fit, I'll just buy it in a smaller size. What happens is you get foot fat, like the back fat a lot of you ladies are so proud of. Ladies, your shoe runneth over.
Animal Prints- When you wear leopard, you say to the world "I've arrived...for my shift at the titty bar."
Message t-shirts- The t-shirt says "Princess", the face says "Waffle House waitress."
Tube tops- "I really like sausage, and I just wish there was some way that I could look more like it." No one looks good in a tube top. Lara Flynn Boyle's hungry ass would look fat in a tube top.
Good luck and remember: if it has your initial on it, you're making the baby Jesus sad.
Brooches: Ladies, this trend came back in irony. If you're wearing the brooch with a twinset, you're telling the world how much you can't wait to be 40.
Eggplant hair- Turns out skanks love this almost as much as they love their chipped blue nail polish.
Tanorexia- Tanning too much gives you "oompa loompa face," which I'm sure is some kind of fetish, but if that's not your goal, maybe you should cut back.
Kool-Aid Burst purses- "I wish there was some way to combine my love of Kool-Aid and my need to carry tampons."
Dragon Shirts- You know what I'm talking about. Short sleeved. They used to sell them at Gadzooks. They have some sort of dragon on them. What would be quicker is if you guys just made shirts that said "I'm never getting laid, but I ROCK at D&D."
Shoe Leakage - The shoe doesn't fit, I'll just buy it in a smaller size. What happens is you get foot fat, like the back fat a lot of you ladies are so proud of. Ladies, your shoe runneth over.
Animal Prints- When you wear leopard, you say to the world "I've arrived...for my shift at the titty bar."
Message t-shirts- The t-shirt says "Princess", the face says "Waffle House waitress."
Tube tops- "I really like sausage, and I just wish there was some way that I could look more like it." No one looks good in a tube top. Lara Flynn Boyle's hungry ass would look fat in a tube top.
Good luck and remember: if it has your initial on it, you're making the baby Jesus sad.
